Lavender
by LilyoftheValley4
Summary: Missing thoughts and scenes from As we Know It. [OneShot] MerDer


A/N: I know this has probably been done, but I just felt that the episode left out too much, so I added a lot of thoughts and some dialogue and changed Meredith's voice over at the end. This story starts out near the end of "As we Know It." I apologize to anyone waiting for an update to my other story but I got Season 1 and 2 of Grey's, started watching, and well, I couldn't focus on that till I got these thoughts down. Hope you all enjoy!

Disclaimer: I do not own Grey's Anatomy, any of it's characters, or this plot. _  
_

* * *

_In hospitals they say you know. You know when you're going to die._ _Some doctors say it's a look patients get in their eyes._ _Some say there's a scent. A smell of death. Something. There's just some kind of sixth sense. When the great beyond is heading for you. You feel it coming. Whatever it is. It's creepy._ _Because if you know. What do you do about it? Forget about the fact you're scared out of your mind._ _If you knew this was your last day on Earth, how would you want to spend it?_

* * *

Meredith Grey felt the muscles tighten in her hand. The hand she didn't even feel was apart of her body. She couldn't move it, she couldn't stretch the aching muscles and the urge to just yank it out and see if she was still standing afterwards was all too tempting. But when she had taken Hannah's spot she'd promised herself that she'd stick with it. The desire to run, as strong as it was, didn't completely outweigh the deadly consequences. She knew she stood no more chance of outrunning a bomb than she did to stand here with her hand firmly in place

The bomb. She could feel its pressure against her right pointer finger. It leaned as heavily against her finger as it weighed on her heart. She'd told everyone she'd had a feeling. Derek said he had feelings too. That these feelings would pass. The feelings didn't pass and now here she was with her hand touching a bomb, Derek just down the hall finishing his surgery on Dr. Bailey's husband not knowing that Meredith Grey could be the next person to die.

Meredith liked to think that since James had survived the transportation to the hospital and the distance of two OR's with some turbulence that this bomb wasn't going to explode. But Dylan had said homemade bombs were unpredictable. It hadn't exploded yet which meant it still could so that panicking feeling that she'd been repressing from all her muscles came out with increasing prevalence as the moment where she'd have to remove her hand with the bomb in it grew nearer.

"We're ready when you are." Meredith's head shot up as she looked over at Dr. Burke as he said those words. His eyes were focused on Dylan. Dylan however, was only concerned with her. What ever Dr. Burke wanted to do after the bomb was removed was none of his business. His only priority was making sure that Dr. Burke got the opportunity to try to save this man.

"We're good. Meredith?"

"Yeah." Meredith tried taking a deep breath, tried to relax the pounding in her heart and trying to keep her right hand from tensing or shaking.

"I'm going to extend the wound. When I cut the bleeding is going to enter the subline. If we're going to save Mr. Carlson you have to pull the ammo out immediately." Meredith didn't understand how Dr. Burke could talk like this was any other surgery. His life as well as his patient and everyone else in the room was at risk and he spoke like he was doing an appendectomy. Meredith wished she could be that strong.

"But remember remove it while keeping it level as possible." Meredith nodded. "Nice and easy. No quick movements. Level." If Meredith had been in any other situation, in any other OR the idea of this man talking to her like a child would have sent her into a purposeful lecture that no doubt would have set this man straight. She needed the reassurance, craved it, but none of them knew it was going to be okay. And even if somehow Dylan was gifted with foresight and had a feeling that things would turn-out okay she had no reason to believe or trust him.

"Right, level," Meredith repeated as the panic starting to slightly elevate her voice.

Dr. Burke turned to Meredith and she prayed that if she looked at him some of his confidence would transfer to her. "You ready?"

Tears appeared in Meredith's eyes. It was a stupid question, she knew it was, but when anyone is faced with such a choice or lack there of the hope that it's all a dream begins to becomes less wistful and more forceful. "I uh … … Do I have a choice?"

"You have to be ready." Meredith knew she had to be. How is it that everyone else in the room, everyone as close to death as she was at the moment could be so calm? _Because I control all their fates. One wrong move…_

"Yeah, I guess," but the confidence, if there had been any left, was completely gone in those three words.

Dr. Burke knew he wasn't going to get a better response than that. If they waited any longer he was afraid she would completely back out. Meredith Grey was strong, he knew that, but every person had their limits and he knew she was losing sight of the dividing line. "Scalpel."

"I guess I'm ready." Meredith rephrased her words hoping that maybe Dr. Burke would stop. It was selfish to even think so, but maybe if Dr. Burke stopped then he would be the one to fail. It wouldn't be her fault if Dr. Burke could cut him open, couldn't go through with the surgery. Meredith would be in the clear, but even her undesired hopes were dashed when she saw the first line of blood seep through the open wound. There was no surgery she wished she wasn't apart of more in her life than this one.

* * *

Cristina walked into OR 2, not believing that her best friend had successfully wheeled a guy with a live explosive in his chest into another OR. Unfortunately, it wasn't even over her. Her boyfriend still had to operate and Meredith still had to remove the bomb. As she stood there and looked at Dr. Shepard, all she could think of is that he didn't know. 

Cristina couldn't even imagine what she would do if she didn't know that the last time she'd get to see her boyfriend was a quick pass in the hallway. Of course, Meredith and Dr. Shepard were not dating, whatever it was that they were doing still entitled strong feelings that caused both of them to do stupid things in stressful situations.

"How's it going out there, Yang?" Cristina marveled at how calm Dr. Shepard was. As far as he knew, Mr. Carlson was still in the OR next door. If it were to explode, they'd probably be dead or at least severely injured. And yet he calmly did the surgery with minimal staff and an unmatched confidence; unmatched maybe by anyone except Preston Burke.

Cristina glanced at him, taking in the magnitude of the information she knew. It was hard to deal with the fact that at any second she could lose her boyfriend and best friend, but at least she knew it. But she also knew, as a surgeon, she shouldn't do anything to mess with his concentration and telling Shepard that Meredith was holding the bomb would definitely shatter it. She couldn't talk about it. She couldn't think about it. She was determined to come in and help Dr. Shepard with his surgery, nothing was to be gained on thinking anymore about the bomb a few OR's away. "Everything's fine."

"How's the girl with bomb?" Cristina was determined not to talk about this. If she was to tell Dr. Shepard everything that was going on, she knew he'd panic and if Dr. Shepard panicked, Cristina knew she'd panic.

"How's he doing?"

"He's almost there." He looked to one of the few nurses who had elected to stay but he did not look at Cristinia. "Suction. Irrigate. That's great."

Dr. Shepard glanced at the intern. He knew that Cristina was probably anxious about Dr. Burke and he tried to write of Cristina's peculiar behavior as the result of that fear, but her nervousness only seemed to show when he asked about the girl. "You didn't answer my question, Yang."

Cristina had believed that the conversation had moved passed the discussion of the bomb and her mind cried for any delay to thinking about the bomb situation. "Sir?"

"How is the girl with the bomb?" Cristina knew she had a choice. She was the only one who could possibly tell Dr. Shepard what was going on. If she was in the same situation, Cristina knew that she would want to know. Especially if it could possibly be the last time…

"It's Meredith." Dr. Shepard's head shot up. Even with his face being mostly covered by the surgical mask and eye-scopes Cristina could see his surprise at the mention of Meredith's name. Cristina didn't give him time to draw his own conclusion. He needed to hear it straight. "The girl with the bomb is Meredith."

The abrupt look of fear and horror in his eyes was enough to make Cristina wonder if she did the right thing, but the next thing she knew the steady beeping of the heart monitor fell to a single continuous tone. Dr. Shepard's head swiveled to the monitor but the irony was lost on no one.

* * *

Meredith had stopped watching Dr. Burke work a long time ago. This wasn't the surgery she wanted to see first hand. This was a surgery she should have been reading about in the paper tomorrow morning and then her thanking God that she'd decided to stay home; that she'd listened to the feeling. She might as well as been the patient there on the table, she almost wished she was. He had no idea what was going on. He got to sleep, never knowing. Yes, Meredith wished she was him. 

"I'm good. She can go." Dr. Burke glanced at Meredith while stepping slightly to the right to give her a little more space. Meredith didn't even respond to his voice.

Dylan focused his eyes on Meredith's glassy ones. He needed to connect with her again. He needed her to focus. It was almost over for all of them. One way or another, it was almost over. "All right now, Meredith. Wrap your hand around the nose cone." Meredith still wasn't looking up. "Meredith."

Dr. Burke looked at his intern, anxiety churning in his stomach. Everything rested on her. "Grey." Her head shook almost like a spasm as a focused gaze fell across all of them only to become glassy once again. "Grey."

* * *

Dr. Shepard might as well of been looking at the monitor for his own heart. Never had he felt so much fear than at that moment. _I have a feeling, _Meredith had told him. For a moment, his only instinct was to flee to Meredith side. He needed to make sure she was okay. That everything turned out okay, but there was only one way he could do that. He broke his gaze from the heart monitor. "Damn it we're losing him. Push one of epi!" 

"Steady pulse," Cristina said, not sure of what was going through Shepard's mind.

"Epi in!"

There was a grand pause as everyone in the room turned to the monitors. "Nothing. Okay get me a wet lab," Shepard ordered, but there was definite desperation in his voice.

"Here."

Dr. Shepard thought quickly. He had to stabilize his patient. He had to get to Meredith, but he had to stabilize his patient. "We're gonna roll him on 3. Okay let me know when everyone's ready. Let's go. We gotta go. Come on! Let's go!" Cristina shivered. Dr. Shepard was scared.

* * *

Dylan's eyes searched to meet Meredith's unfocused ones. "Meredith." 

In the seconds it took for Meredith to stick her hand in James Carlson's body she had lost the time to make a will. Who ever thought she'd need one so early in life? She thought of her mother and her care. Her mother had the doctors. In the scheme of things it was hard to know for sure if her mother would miss her. If she noticed her daughter had stopped visiting her. She wondered if they would even tell her.

Meredith could live up to her decision. It hadn't been her thought to play hero or to save the patients life. It had been to calm down Hannah. When Hannah fled, it was almost like instinct. Like when a necklace breaks, the two strings must be held together or the beads would be lost. Izzie would kill her if she lost all the beads, especially the one with her grandmother's emerald in the middle.

_Izzie.__Not just Izzie. Izzie and George._ She needed to make sure that if something should happen…Meredith reached blindly for any piece of her paper based surgical mask and yanked it down from her face.

"George and Izzie shouldn't have to move out of the house." She said this like a dying wish. Dylan could tell her reserve was failing.

"No. You hear me." He did his best to keep his voice firm and commanding as if it would break her fears, but fear has no reason.

"You should make sure. Make sure that they, that they get to stay in the house," Meredith repeated. She knew they had to do it. If she died, they had to do it. In all the movies, the dying girls always had a last request. This was hers. _They have to do it._

* * *

Dr. Shepard looked at the monitors again. "Come on, come on, come on, come on." He needed to see Meredith. His obligation as a doctor never felt like a greater burden than now. The fact that silence ripped the halls did little to make him feel better. He knew all it would take was one second. One second for that bomb to shift and explode and it would be all over. 

Cristina performed CPR rhythmically, concentrating on doing it perfectly and yet nothing changed. Burke was still operating with a live bomb that Meredith was holding. It was her job to help save Bailey's husband. If Dr. Shepard could go through the motions, she knew she could too. It was the only thing keeping them sane.

"White complex bradycardia." The words rolled off her tongue like she'd been speaking them since birth.

Derek looked at the monitors once again. He'd been down to long. "Push one more of epi and one more of drozapine." Tucker had kept him from Meredith. There was no way he was going to let him die. He had to make it worth it. He had to make this surgery count for something. "Come on, come on. You can not do this Tucker! You can not quit on me! Come on, keep going. You can't quit!"

* * *

Dr. Burke removed a light from his pocket and shined it urgently at Meredith's face. "Grey. His pressure's dropping. Grey." She doesn't respond. 

Dr. Burke shined the light again. He can tell the obvious signs of shock and it worried him how she actually might come out of it. All it would take is her jumping, or a spasm to run through her hand to detonate the bomb. Dr. Burke looked at Dylan in concern.

As a doctor, Meredith knew that they always had lives in their hands. She could handle that. What she couldn't handle was the thought of those lives being the ones of other people, not just the patient. One small slip up and she kills two people and her patient. No, she couldn't handle that. Meredith looked at them with a crazed fear in her eyes. "I can't! No. I can't. This is crazy. Burke, you gonna go? You go. Both of you should go."

Dr. Burke was not known to back down from a fight. He was going to save this patient. He was going to risk his life to save his patient and even though part of him was tempted to take up Grey's offer he knew he would never actually do it. He'd suppressed that part of him a long time ago. It was the same part of him that told him he had an obligation to save his patient's life. Even when his confidence had been rocked the day the towel was found in one of his patients no one knew. But he couldn't be a great surgeon if he'd quit or if he'd shown any less confidence inside an OR. Preston Burke could hide his insecurities and he knew that's what Meredith needed him to do. "Nobody's dying today, Grey."

"Meredith I want you to look at me," Dylan commanded. Meredith didn't move. Her gaze was focused on Burke. She couldn't die knowing she took Burke from Cristina. He needed to leave. "Look at me." Meredith slowly turned away from Burke and brought her tear-filled eyes to his own. He looked past her splotchy face and the panic in her eyes and tried to speak as calmly as possible. "I know this is mad. And I know that I'm this ass who's been yelling at you all day. So you pretend that I'm not. You pretend that I'm someone you like. Whatever you need. But you need to listen to me."

Meredith looked down at her unmoving hand that disappeared into a bloody void of unseen organs before slowly bringing her head back up again. The movement gave her an opportunity to clear the scene, for her to focus on the person she wanted there the most. Everything faded from the room, bleached out by an overwhelming fluorescent light. If Meredith had looked down at her hands she would no longer see the man on the table. There were no surgical instruments, nothing or no one else in the room. For a moment, there wasn't even a bomb.

Her eyes were no longer fixed on Dylan's but the comforting eyes of Derek Shepard. His face was calm, almost serene. He was dressed in blue scrubs and his constant shadow of a beard was just as prevalent as ever on his perfect McDreamy face.

"I'm scared," Meredith couldn't help but whimper.

Derek gave a slight smile. The McDreamy smile that in any other situation made her dizzy with its intensity fell across his face. "I know. You can do this. It'll be over in a second. … You can do this, Meredith."

That was what she needed to hear. She needed to know that he thought things would be okay. That she'd be okay. "Okay." Even as she said those words she felt her eyes shift to his lips and she couldn't help but wonder the last time she'd kissed them. She would have made it count if she knew it was going to be their last and now she couldn't even remember.

"Okay," Derek repeated in the adorable way he always did. Sometimes it annoyed her to no end, but with today very possibly being her last day she felt the last words reassuring as the bright light faded away and Dr. Burke reappeared at her side and Dylan in front of her in replacement of Derek's image.

Meredith took a deep breath and slowly edged her hand deeper into the body. She kept the pressure of her pointer finger on the bomb as she placed the rest of her hand around the top of the bomb, her palm barely grazing the surface. With increasing tears she began to pull.

"Gently," Dylan coaxed as he watched along with Dr. Burke.

From where he stood, Dr. Burke could see the tip of the bomb emerge and held his breath. He wanted to tell her to be careful, to go slowly and take her time, but he knew that was Dylan's job and Burke was afraid if anymore pressure was put on Meredith that would be the end. Without thinking Dr. Burke let his eyes close for a moment and with a final thought he let his mind wander for only a moment before he opened them again. _Cristina. _He forced the thought out of his head immediately, waiting for his opportunity to jump into the surgery the moment the bomb was out. There was no time left for regrets.

* * *

Cristina put her full weight into every compression. Her anger about not being able to be with Burke, her fear for his death, it became apparent with the purposeful weight put onto Tucker's chest every two seconds. It was the only thing breathing life into her. 

"Cristina, take the bag!" Derek ordered. The piercing tone of the heart monitor still rang constant in the room, a haunting reminder of what could easily become of his ex-girlfriend in the next room. He paused for a moment, almost pacing without moving. He thought about Tucker and how everything would have been wasted. He'd risked his life. Tucker had most likely missed the birth of his child, and Derek had missed being with Meredith. The silence of the halls kept his nerves on edge more than reassured them. No, Tucker wasn't going to die.

In a fury of mixed emotions Shepard ripped off his surgical mask and goggles and started compressions with an intensity that outdid even Cristina. He felt his heart beat twice with every compression and it wasn't long till he felt slightly winded because of the pace he kept.

Nothing changed. The heart monitor burned his ears as he stepped away and paused for a minute debate. No rhythm had appeared in the last fifteen minutes. He should be dead. She could be dead and he wasn't there. As long as he was obligated to do his job and save this patient, that's what he was going to do. With a passion like none of them had seen, Derek took a hurried step forward with a raised fist and fury that could have equally been a piercing scream and brought his fist down onto Tucker's chest. All eyes turned to the heart monitor.

* * *

Meredith held back her tears as more of the bomb was revealed. She wanted to grip it tightly to assure that she didn't drop it but at the same time all she wanted to do was let it go. She could feel less resistance as she pulled. The bomb was almost out. _Keep it level, Meredith. Just keep it level. _

A pregnant pause filled the room and everyone waited. Derek felt his anxiety fade slightly as the single tone was replaced by steady beats. The relinquishment of his frustration and fear in that one single hit did surprisingly little. Derek looked over at Cristina just as she'd turned away from the heart monitor that showed a stable BP. Cristina set her lips in a tight line and nodded grimly.

Tears fell freely down Meredith's cheeks as she held the bomb out in front of her. The situation was so close to being over. All she had to do was hand it over to Dylan and the nightmare would be over. She looked at Dylan's outstretched hand and wondered how he could be so calm. She wondered how he could accept this burden, her burden, without so much as a shaking hand.

Meredith reached out as well and gently placed the bomb in Dylan's hands. Then, slowly and gently she released the pressure of her fingers around the smooth metal until finally, her hands were empty. Her right hand was sore from being in one position for so long, but she hardly noticed as she focused on the bomb that was now resting in Dylan's hands.

"You did good," Dylan whispered. Then without another word he turned slowly, keeping his eyes on the bomb as he walked to the door. Meredith watched his steps. They were short and flat-footed, but she could see the way his step rolled on the outside of his foot so that when he walked, he was almost gliding. His head didn't seem to move. Meredith couldn't say anything. She didn't know what to say. She hated this man for yelling at her, for being controlling, and for being so damn calm when he had a live explosive in his hands. She didn't envy or admire him, but after everything, she did respect him.

Meredith stepped away from the gurney while looking at her hands. Dr. Burke had stepped over, pushing her slightly out of the way. Slightly dazed she looked at Burke with a blank expression on her face like she was waking up from a bad dream. She looked at her hands again, still in the latex gloves and covered in Mr. Carlson's blood. Then she looked to the doorway of the OR which had been Dylan's destination and saw that his figure had disappeared from sight.

With steps like a spying child, she walked slowly to the doorway, pausing for a moment as she caught sight of Dylan's back and careful steps. She stepped into the hallway, a fascination or awe causing her to watch, to believe it was over. From where she stood, she could see another bomb squad member at the end of the hall, waiting and watching Dylan's approach. Whether it was a false step, an uncalculated breeze or simply bad-timing, Meredith would never know, but what happened next would live with her for the rest of her life.

It took a matter of seconds, but it felt like slow motion. She watched as Dylan almost seemed to stop moving before completely being incinerated as the bomb exploded. Meredith felt heat against her face as the force of the explosion sent her flying backwards. She felt bits of hot liquid sting her face as her eyes slammed shut. A piece of glass cut into her left temple. The sound of exploding windows and lamps filled the air and the smell of burning flesh and wood would make anyone in the vicinity gag.

Meredith felt her body slide across the tile floor and come to a stop. Before she could make any effort to resist, her head slammed down against the tile before ricocheting up and then coming to a rest once again on the tile. With that, Meredith Grey lay still.

* * *

Derek stood before Tucker's skull as he began to close up. Cristina was positioned by Tucker's chest as she monitored lung sounds and heart beats to compare with the monitor. "He's stable." She reported as she took off the stethoscope and placed it on an empty surgical tray. 

"Good, as soon as I finish sewing him up we'll be good to go." Cristina could tell he was doing his best to keep calm but there was a hitch in his voice that gave away his strength. As Cristina watched his hands, he couldn't believe how fast and accurate his sutures were despite the slight tremble present when he tied off a stitch.

Without warning, a deep boom sounded down the hallway and the walls shook. All eyes shifted to the doorway and for a moment nobody moved. Derek's eyes were wide in terror. Cristina looked on with disbelief and before anyone could stop her she was running to the door.

"Dr. Yang…Cristina!" He called urgently, but the doors closed off his words. "Dammit!" he cursed as he looked back down at Tucker and realized he was only half way done. He looked back at the door once more, trying desperately to hasten his pace, but it wasn't working. His hands shook constantly and he found he had to go back and fix a few of his stitches along the way. _Come on, Meredith, be okay. Be okay!_

Dr. Burke had just gotten Mr. Carlson's bleeding under control when he heard the explosion rip down the hall. He had turned towards the door he'd just seen Meredith walk through. "Grey!" he screamed. "Grey? Meredith?"

Cristina ran down the hall towards the OR with her blue scrubs streaming behind her. Just as she turned the corner she stopped dead. The hallway was in flames. Windows had been shattered by the force of the explosion. Papers that had blown from who knows where lay burning on the floor. Blinds into nearby OR's sat lopsided and broken. The walls had been singed and were black against the normal white. Where they weren't black, they were a gooey brownish color that made Cristina shiver. As she walked, she passed over a particularly black spot which seemed to have been the origin of the blast.

Cristina felt momentary relief that the blast had not occurred inside the OR and there was a good chance that it hadn't been Meredith or Burke holding the bomb when it exploded. As she walked, however, she caught sight of a figure in blue lying motionless on the floor. "Meredith!" Cristina cried as she quickened her pace to a jog. She ran to her friend's side as she looked over a wound on her head that was now staining her scrub cap a dark red. Her face was covered in soot and some of the brownish substance she'd witnessed on the wall. Her hands were still in gloves that were covered in blood. Cristina assumed for now that it was Mr. Carlson's blood.

"Meredith, Meredith can you hear me?" She bent down and put her ear to Meredith's chest, listening for even breath sounds. When that came up positive she put to fingers to her neck and counted, waiting for a pulse. Cristina let out a long breath. There was one.

"Cristina?" The call came from the open door in front of the OR that she knew the man with the bomb had been moved in. Cristina stood up slowly and walked over to the open doorway where she came to a stop.

Dr. Burke stood there, a clamp in his hand. Like Meredith's, his hands were covered in blood. A surgical mask covered his face but she could clearly see his eyes. For a moment, they just stood there relishing in the presence of one another. They'd made it through alive.

"Grey?" Dr. Burke demanded, his doctor instincts finally kicking in, but his voice sounded scratchy as he said her name. Cristina couldn't be exactly sure why.

"She's unconscious, but alive."

"Take a flashlight and check for a concussion." Cristina nodded, spying the flashlight in the room she walked towards it, pausing for a moment as she stood in Burke's presence.

"I'm alright, Cristina. Go tend to Meredith." Cristina looked at him in surprise, never figuring out how he always seemed able to read her mind. She reached out and grabbed the flashlight in her fist and made her way back into the hallway.

She got down on her knees at Meredith's side and reached out to gently force her eyelids open. She ran the flashlight across both of them glad to see that both were reactive. As Cristina pulled away, Meredith's eyelids blinked on their own and she looked over at Cristina blankly.

"Meredith," Cristina murmured in relief. "Can you tell me what happened? Does anything hurt?" Meredith didn't move, didn't even register that Cristina was there. "Don't move, I'll be right back," she ordered thinking quickly as she walked down the hall to the nearest phone.

She typed in a number and waited as dispatch answered. "Yes, get me Dr. Stevens please."

* * *

"Chief," one of the nurses called a phone in her hand. Richard grabbed the phone as Adele and Alex huddled nearby waiting for news. 

"What the hell is happening down there? Who's coming up? Okay." Richard hung up the phone leaving them to only guess what was being said. The suspense of who was coming up, of who was safe plagued all their hearts.

Richard looked at Adele. "Come on, sweetheart." He led his wife over to the elevators.

"Alright people! They're coming up." He could see the group of doctors forming in a large mass behind him, but his eyes were focused on the elevators, as was everyone else's.

In the background and trying to stay out of the way as much as possible, Hannah looked up at the Chief's call. Filled with guilt she stood to her feet and walked closer to the group of people. She leaned her weight against the protruding counter of the receptionist desk and waited.

The elevator doors opened and there stood Derek and Burke dressed in their scrubs. The only thing that revealed the graveness of the situation was the expression on Derek's face. His eyes were searching; a slight frown haunted his lips and matched the tortured look in his eyes. There had been no words exchanged between the two doctors in the elevator and therefore nothing to give away the events that had transpired during the last few hours.

"Derek," Burke said as the two began separating in different directions.

"Preston," Derek replied with a slight nod of his head. The two of them stood before the group as if prepared to make a big speech, but it was Mindy, Mr. Carlson's wife, who spoke first.

"Dr. Burke. Is my husband um … alive?" Her voice was teary and her eyes fearful.

"Yes." Hannah felt relieved at hearing this. If Mr. Carlson was alive it meant that the bomb had been removed and the intern holding the bomb, Meredith, had to be alive. Unfortunately, the fact that Meredith wasn't there took away some of her reassurances.

Mindy gave a slight smile at that before asking, "Is he … gonna stay alive?"

Burke was about to answer when he caught sight of Hannah standing in a white wife-beater by the nurse's station. He made eye contact with her and then turned back to Mrs. Carlson, reassurance in his voice.

"Thanks to that young lady over there he is." Hannah looked at Burke in shock as Mrs. Carlson took Dr. Burke's hand and shook it happily as tears freely feel down her cheeks.

"Thank you," she whispered to Dr. Burke. She let go almost looking like she was going to bow as she walked towards Hannah. Hannah looked at the woman not quite believing that this was happening as the woman took her in a tight hug.

"Thank you. Thank you," Mindy whispered. Hannah patted the woman's back awkwardly with her bandaged hand. When they separated, she nodded hesitantly and looked at Dr. Burke with a thanks she didn't feel like she deserved.

Dr. Burke turned his attention back to Richard who nodded in approval. With that, the group of awaiting doctors began to break-up and return to their duties. As the crowd began to thin, Derek took the opportunity to resume his search. He walked in stagnant lines, going in one direction for a few steps, only to switch into another. The movement did not go unnoticed by Adele or Richard.

"Where is she?" he asked anxiously, his eyes still moving about wildly as he asked the question.

"You had to be a cowboy," Richard said, almost with a grin. Derek continued his searching as if he hadn't said anything.

"Where--where is she?" Derek stuttered with an ever sinking feeling in his stomach. The same sort of feeling a person gets when they feel like no one is answering a question directly because its bad news.

"She's right here," Richard reassured.

"Derek." The feminine voice caused him to turn abruptly and he waited impatiently for her to appear. His heart pounded in anticipation to see her and see that she was alright. When she appeared, he almost didn't see her because he expected to see Meredith beautiful dirty blond hair, but instead, it was red. "You're okay." Addison took him in a tight hug and Derek resisted the urge to pull away and yell.

Adele caught sight of Derek's face as Addison took Derek into the hug. The poor man looked like he was about to cry, but there was no relief in his eyes. A panicky look, almost twice as worse than before appeared in his eyes and Adele knew.

Adele leaned over and whispered into Richard's ear. "That is not the 'she' he was asking for."

Addison and Derek broke apart and Derek stared at the ground as Addison looked at her husband in concern. "Go home, Derek," Richard ordered. Derek lifted his head up and met the Chief in the eye. Richard gave him a purposeful look that confused Derek.

"I'm going to check on Miranda and then I'll be right behind you," Addison said to him. Derek only nodded and barely moved as Addison kissed him on the lips before disappearing down the hall.

"Meredith," Derek demanded as soon as his wife was out of earshot. "Where is, _Meredith_?"

Richard sighed and Adele patted his hand encouragingly. Derek looked positively frightened at these details. "Preston informed me that Meredith was in the hall when the bomb went off." Derek felt his airway constrict and his heart stop. He looked at Richard horrified. "Physically, we think she's alright. Dr. Yang and Stevens are—"

"You think?!" Derek demanded. "How could you not know?"

"Derek, get a hold of yourself. Meredith isn't the one you should be worried about. Do you have any idea what your wife has been—"

"Richard, stop lecturing the poor man!" Adele broke in, looking at her husband angrily. "Whatever his reasoning for inquiring about Meredith's health is none of your business. Just answer his questions."

Richard looked over at his wife and for about the third time that day and wished she wasn't there. "Meredith is still in shock. She hasn't told anyone what happened or if she's injured. As soon as she gets cleaned up, Dr. Yang will perform a full body scan to look for any injuries. Until then, we're taking it one step at a time."

"Thank you," Derek whispered quietly. Without another word he turned away from the couple.

"Derek," Richard called after him, but Derek continued down the hall till he was out of sight.

* * *

George tip-toed up to the door of the locker room where he could hear the sound of the shower running. Gently, he pushed the door open and watched as Izzie and Cristina stood on either side of Meredith, who it seemed to him might as well have been a statue or a Barbie doll. She didn't speak or show any forms of recognition to anyone or anything around her. Her face was splattered with blood, a brownish substance, and small cuts. 

Izzie reached over and pulled off her scrub cap, throwing it into a bin. Cristina made a face of disgust as she pried off the last blood covered latex glove off her hands. Izzie gently instructed Meredith to lean her head back as they stepped closer to the water. Izzie placed her hand on Meredith's forehead and ran her hand down Meredith's hair. George closed the door to give them privacy. As it shut, George slid over to lean against the door jam. This was not how he'd envisioned his dream coming true. Feeling empty and slightly guilty he left the locker room and made his way to the parking lot.

* * *

Meredith lay in bed, barely moving but to breathe; barely feeling alive. She heard a knock at the door, but it didn't register. Izzie stepped in looking sympathetic but she still remained cryptic as she spoke. 

"There's someone at the door for you." Not really feeling the urge to get up, she took her time and made her way down the stairs.

Derek stood awkwardly in front of the door, feeling anxious and out of place. He'd assumed since Meredith was allowed home that it meant she was okay, but a general fear of her well-being couldn't be swallowed until he saw her.

Her tiny frame entered the room and stood in front of him. He scanned her over carefully with his eyes and aside from the cut on her forehead she looked okay. He expected his heart to slowdown in relief at finally getting a chance to see her for himself, but instead it sped up.

"Hey," Meredith greeted softly. The voice took him to a new level of being and he forced himself to stay there instead of take her in his arms.

"Hey." Derek paused. "You almost died today." The statement sounded blunt and unemotional to his own ears, but he couldn't take it back. It was as if he was still coming to terms with reality.

"Yeah. I almost died today." She repeated. They stood there, staring at each other. They had to be content with that. They couldn't kiss, they couldn't hug, they couldn't even risk closing the distance between them. All they could do was look. When it seemed as if Derek had had his fill, he reached for the handle of the door and was halfway out before Meredith's voice stopped him.

"I can't ... " Meredith started as Derek stepped back into the house. "I can't remember our last kiss. All I could think about was I'm going to die today and I can't remember our last kiss. Which is pathetic, but the last time we were together and happy I … want to be able to remember that. And I can't, Derek." Derek nodded. "I can't remember."

Derek pondered on whether he should answer her unasked question; whether he should allow himself to get that close. "I'm glad you didn't die today." Derek opened the door he'd been holding and made to step out. Seeing this, Meredith turned around and began to head for the stairs.

Before he could stop himself he was speaking. "It was a Thursday morning." Meredith stopped moving and turned around to see Derek fully standing in the foyer. "You were wearing that ratty little Dartmouth t-shirt you look so good in. The one with the hole in the back of the neck." Derek chuckled. "You'd just washed your hair and you smelled like some kind of flower. I was running late for surgery. You said you were gonna see me later and you leaned to me, you put your hand on my chest and you kissed me. Soft. Was quick, kinda like a habit. You know, like we'd do it every day for the rest of our lives. You went back to reading the newspaper and I went to work. That was the last time we kissed."

Neither of them spoke. Meredith let her mind recall the memory for a moment. Without realizing it, she opened her eyes she didn't know she'd closed to see Derek inches from leaving once more.

"Lavender," Meredith said. Derek stepped back in. "My hair smelled like lavender from my conditioner."

Derek nodded. "Lavender." He smiled. "Huh."

Derek closed the door, finally leaving for good. With a half smile on her face, she watched him leave before turning around to head back upstairs.

* * *

_We would all like to be the hero; the person who looks death in the eye and spits into his face. But no one's that brave. We all fear something. And even if we're lucky enough to survive, even without the bravery, we'd like to think we'd come away with a different take on things; some great epiphany or enlightenment that makes us realize we need to reform some aspect of our lives. Get real. Life is not a movie and we're only human._


End file.
